Dateline Friday 9th Feb:

Sir Michael King former Portuguese Champion and committed Luddite today announce his withdrawal from the 2018 Portugal Tour.

This was not an unexpected turn of events as questions had been raised late in 2017 about his overstretched commitments in the summer season.

MK Seve, official spokesman for the Tour comments:

“Devastating, Where do we go now ? Kingy will be sorely missed on the golf courses of Vilamoura this year. I personally will be particularly sad, what was his name again ?”

The search is now on for a replacement player. Tour official and overseas handicap secretary Clive “Nervous” Hoppy stated:

“The search is on, we need a player of outstanding personal qualities, a great golfer, a real talent and a person who can fit in with the dedicated players on this sojourn of almost biblical proportions.

But there is no chance of that so really any old sod will do. You won’t print that will you ?”