Social distancing was the order of the day as Big K Shorrocks and Heinrick Von Kowal took to the podium to address the gathered press corps.


“Ya , I mean Yes it is very goot to see everybody here on parade, I mean , attending the press conference today.” were Heinrick’s opening remarks.

“I am pleased to say that zee Tee times for zee 2021 Portugal Tour have now been confirmed and zat myself and Herr Shorrocks are very pleased with the progression of the tournament arrangements. “


“Some of zee players have made complaining noizes concerning the lateness of the Tee times.”


At this point Von Kowal rose to his feet !


“Zis kind of defeatist talk will not be tolerated !! Ve are not here for your fun and entertainment, you fools !


Zis is about golf, fresh air and the furthering of the master scheme to bring  freedom and entertainment to the proletariat and all of the people as well !


I vill mention no names but Herr King should be careful that this outburst is ze last of its kind.



Ve have many friends all over ze UK and our eyes are everywhere, if you get my drift !”




At this point Big K ushered Von Kowal from the stage and addressed the crowd:


“Thank you Heinrick, he has been under some stress recently, with the strange disappearance of his cousin MK Seve and the responsibility of taking on the  CEO role of SEVEBET and the other Kowal Corporation companies, but all will be fine. “



“The tee times will be verified in the new year and I would like to say that in our organisations we do encourage free speech and open discussion, at least most of the time !”



The press conference closed with shouts from the floor of “Where is MK ??”  and  “Give us back our President !” but the two key figures had already been whisked away by their newly uniformed security men.


The full Tee times are published below with a caveat that there will be discussions on an earlier time for The Old Course in the new year.


PORTUGAL TOUR 2021 Courses and Tee Times.


Wednesday 5th May – Millennium 11.42 am – 8 players


Thursday 6th May The Old Course – 13.40 pm – 8 players


Friday 7th May Vale Da Pinta – 12.00 midday – 12 players (Super Bock Steaks)


Saturday 8th May Gramacho – 11.06 – 4 players


Sunday 9th May Vila Sol – 12.18 pm – 12 players (Super Bock Steaks)


Monday 10th May O’Connor Jnr -12.02 pm – 12 players (Super Bock Steaks)


Tuesday 11th May Pinhal – 13.03 pm – 8 players



MK Seve, 2019 Champion with Uncle Nigel shortly before MK’s mysterious disappearance.


Sadly there are no photographs of Lord Chilly receiving the 2020 **Asterisks** Trophy but we are reliably informed that there will be an official ceremony in 2021.



STOP PRESS News just in from Global Logistics Director Hoppy Dearsley that extra accommodation has now been booked in Vilamoura for this years tournament.

This will will allow the players their own fully equipped individual apartments which they can trash as they see fit will allow them to relax in Covidiocy free environments.


Questions concerning the much loved and hated “Rooms of Gloom” Tournament are still to be resolved.