The golfing world has been rocked today as Stewy (Biffa) Amos announces that he will not be returning to Portugal in 2018 to defend his recently won crown. In a brief statement his manager MK Several told an astonished press conference that Stewart’s recent change of sponsor was the root cause for this major upset:

“Biffa has just signed a very lucrative deal with Taylor Maid, the well known cheese cake and pudding manufacturers, and personal appearance pressures in 2018 have meant that there is “just not time” to fit all of the ace golfers commitments in.”

Stewart himself was very disappointed:

“2017 was my first major win on the tour and giving up the opportunity to defend my Portugal Trophy against such a stella field of athletic giants was a major decision, but when they offered £25 and all the puddings I could eat, well , how could I turn the offer down ?”

A spokesperson for Taylor Maid was excited and pleased:

“We at Taylor Maid had always planned to offer this years Portugal Tour winner a big sponsorship contract, we are of course very pleased to welcome Biffa onto our team. To be fair we were all very worried that Monty was going to win and had already started reviewing our free samples budget as obviously if we had to sign Monty the cost of free puddings would have escalated considerably !”

Newly elected President MK Seve had the final word:

“If he can’t make it , he can’t make it ! A precedent has been set when Kingey buggered off up Mount Etna so we will expect Biff to be back in 2019 !

Meanwhile , to be truthful, I don’t even know where the tour will be next year, whats going on ! prices escalating, bloody tee times, greedy bastards !  Don’t get me started.

The question is who will join the tour as a 2018 replacement ??? The selection process will be kicked off at the next AGM, it will be the second item on a packed agenda.

The first item being “When will I be elected to “Supreme Leader ” ?”.