Dear Dr Biff,

My medical condition must remain confidential. I know that you are a trusted member of the profession so here goes. Whilst on a recent break with some so called friends I came into contact with a pussy. Scruff as I called it has left me with a rash and I can’t help but scratch madly! Do you think it is serious? My penis has swollen to enormous proportions and my partner says that she is very happy but I am very worried. Can you recommend anything Dr Biff. I am desperate.


Olly the Oil Man – by e mail



Dear Olly,

As a trained physician I often come into contact with pussy and obviously the odd rash. In my learned opinion I think you should be very worried . Firstly if your partner is enjoying the swelling what will happen when the swelling goes down ? Big problem.

My best advice; Firstly get some ointment, anything will do Germoline, Lard and slap it on. The rash will probably be gone within the month.

As for the swelling I suggest you slam the offending organ in the door every morning , noon and night to keep the swelling good and swollen. As for the pain, well get some Aspirins.

If all goes well your partner will loose interest in a year or so and then you can slowly stop the knob slamming and return to normal.

Good luck and happy slamming.

Dr Biff

Do you have a problem.

Click here to contact “Dr Biff”

He is always here to help