Dear Dr Biff – Handicap Dilema

Dear Dr Biff – Handicap Dilema

Dear Dr Biff and Uncle Nigel,
>
> Being as ‘ow what you are the keeper of the stats and official handicap fiddler I need you to agree a handicap for me for the imminent festival of tiddlywinks. ……..what? Not tiddlywinks? ……Golf?……..it’s the memory, you know.. Happens to us old folk.
>
> I am aware that the rugby wallers run weekly updates on their performances and adjust their unofficial handicaps all the time. I also know what an extraordinary job you do keeping all the stats for the Portugal tours and adjusting handicaps with such accuracy, dignity and honesty. I am told the rugby handicaps always seem to be adjusted downwards, but then I am an honest soul, just like you, Honest John, and I believe anything they tell me.
>
> Here is the data.
>
> 1 My official USGA handicap is 20, a result of many lousy rounds on the local course and one or two reasonable efforts. It has come steadily down from 24 at the beginning of the last season.
>
> 2 last time I played with the mob I took ALL the money off them, highly satisfying. Then my handicap was 21 but I only JUST won by one single solitary shot on each nine. Just one measly shot.
>
> 3 I have not played yet since the middle of October last year. The season is very short in frosty Illinois.
>
> 4. I am oLd and a physical and mental wreck.
>
> 5. I have always been very nice to you
>
> 6. Next time we meet for the odd beer in Southwell I shall insist on suggesting I buy all the drinks. (Carefully chosen words)
>
> 7. We Newarks have to stick together.
>
> 8. I am used to living in arctic conditions and will be suffering from heat stroke, heat exhaustion and hot flushes throughout the tournament.
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> 9. If we are neck an neck for the last round I shall award you a gimmey for anything you have under 27 feet.
>
> 10. I am but a poor old pensioner, living off a fixed income and desperately trying to make ends meet, especially after just having had my tax code adjusted totally unreasonably by her majesty’s Inland REvenue. Don’t get that trouble with the IRS. They believe whatever I tell them.
>
> Hope the Cyprus trip was all you hoped for.
>
> Mike I (by email)
>

Dr Biff is consulting Uncle Nigel on this dramatic issue.

Your thoughts are welcome.

 

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