Dear Dr Biff,

Ever since the general election I have been infatuated with Nicola Sturgeon. I can’t get enough of her, I have built a small shrine in the garden and I am now sacrificing as many as 3 lambs each day in her honour. She is overwhelming, superb, beyond loveliness. What I cannot fathom out is why such a beautiful angelic woman can be full of such vile shit? It simply pours out of her beautiful mouth. More power for Scotland! Another Independence vote! Revolution if the UK pulls out of Europe! Demands for the removal of our Nukes! What the fuck is going on? I will happily worship at her feet but for crying out loud is she ill poor woman? Dr Biff what can I do , I am a man drawn between the Beauty and the Beast both of whom are the lovely Nicola Sturgeon!

Help Please.

PS. Alex Salmon is a cunt!

From  Jens Stoltenberg (No relation) full address supplied.



Dear Jens,

Firstly I must say I have the greatest of sympathy with your torturous condition. I myself fell under the Nicola Sturgeon spell some time back when I met her during the televised election debates, I was there obviously in my professional capacity. There is no doubt her curvyness is magnificent her iny and outy bits are scrumptious just the thought of touching that body of kissing that fat little scots face …well I must calm down now.

Basically I understand your pain. But as for the gobshite problem she has, well what can be done. My view is that over the term of this parliament as the Tory twats have a full majority , no matter what the little Scottish Spunk Bubble says she will get absolutely nothing out of the Cameroon. He is a complete wanker anyway and although he will nod and smile at the little Love Puppy at the end of the day “There is nuffin here for you luvvy!” will be the answer. Why should he give the angel bummed beauty anything, he does not need her or her scruffy SNP marauders.

In 4 years time the plucky Scots who elected here will realise she has no power and will never have any power so next election they will all go back to voting Labour and have some influence on what the fuck goes on. The lovely Sturgeon will be cast out and left for dead in the pile of shite that is old Scots politicians.

So for now just admire her from afar and when the time comes look out for her in the Station Bar in Aberdeen where she will no doubt end up looking for a free pint of heavy and a quick knee trembler round the back of the men’s lavvy.

Until then Nicola we all love you .

I hope this helps ,

Dr Biff.


Ps. I often find watching some old Crankies episodes helps!

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