Dear Nigel,

Where the fuck are you?

Reports have been circulating that you have been off with the boy Putin, but who believes that twat!

My wife says that you are being groomed to take over from that Top Gear Bloke , whats’ his name Fartson, but I’m not so sure.

Eric in the pub thinks that you have started a business smuggling people from Turkey to Syria to join ICICLE or that rag head mob.

Please let us know where you are so that we can eeerrrr……eeerrr

…..actually we don’t care where you are really.

Just make sure you get your arse to Portugal on 6th May.


Yours faithfully,

Simon Le Bon.  Ipswich by e mail


“Nigel Says”

Dear Simon,

Fuck Off You Twat!

 PS. Your band is crap !


Do you have a Golfing problem.

Click here to contact “Uncle Nigel”

He is always here to help