Dear Uncle Nigel,
At last you are back ! Where have you been ? My wife and I have been particularly worried about you , what with Mr Trump in charge all that Brexit crap ! Our fundamentals were shaken, I can tell you!
My wife has been so relieved, in the last few moments she has washed her hair and shampooed the dog and changed her underwear, sorry too much detail.
Our friend Augustine , down the pub, says that you have had major reconstruction surgery because the Russian mafia were after you, and that now you closely resemble Daniel Craig or is it Irvana Trump, but what does he know ?
Please tell us what been going on !
With a warm heart
Phillip – Buckingham Palace (full address supplied)
Fuck Off You Twat !