Dear Uncle Nigel,

I am very concerned having read in the local press that there are only 7 men contesting this years Portugal Tour.

Surely with all the fabulous people that you are acquainted with there must be someone who has the panache, talent, skill,  tenacity and je ne sais quoi to qualify as the 8th man ?

My wife has suggested Omar Sharif as a likely candidate but apparently he is dead.

Farouk down the pub says that the number 7 is the devils number and the fact that there are 7 of you playing is more evidence that the apocalypse is upon us and we should all repent and turn our hearts to the Lord.  But then he is a complete fuk wit !

Personally I feel that Daniel Craig would be a worthy addition to the mix. His dress style, worldliness, taste and overall elegance would fit in nicely with the regular Portugal crew. The fact that he plays golf like a cunt will also not be out of place.

I wish you good luck in finding a suitable replacement for the Kingster and I hope the sun shines for you.

Bonne chance.

Xi Jinping (full address supplied)





Dear Xi,

Fuck Off You Twat !

Ps Well done with the President for life scam ! We did’nt think you could pull that one off !!



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