Dear Uncle Nigel,

Here we are again, everyone in the world, well those down the pub, are looking forward to the forth coming Portugal Tour. We have missed this fabulous event for 2 years now and we are all very excited. In fact Cyril wet himself yesterday, but that could be something to do with him loosing £50 on a 3 way bet finishing with Man United beating Liverpool 7 – 0.

We have heard that you have been placed at 9/2 by SEVEBET, but what do those idiots know !

Melissa, who works behind the bar, says she reckons you will win easily because most of the others don’t know how to play Tennis. She also thinks that Eastenders is live every night and that Donald Trump is really a puppet ! She could be right !

But honestly Nigel, give us a clue. Are you on form ?

Do you still have that silky smooth swing that effortless follow through and those underpants ?

I think we should be told.

All the best,

Johnny Depp by e-mail


Dear Johnny,

Fuck Off you Twat !

PS: I’d give that Amber woman a slap if I were you !





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