Dear Uncle Nigel,

I am distraught, what is happening ? As a keen follower of the Tuesday Golf Tour I can’t help noticing that nothing is going on !

Has the whole Tour gone on holiday ? Is the weather so bad that the old boys can’t get out ?

Me and my wife, Celia, both realise that the Tuesday Tour is only graced with your presence on the odd occasion when you pop back to blighty from one of your many international villas but nevertheless we like to keep an eye on the other Tour players.

Big “K” Shorrocks is one of Celia’s favourites and I must admit that I follow the man in form Lord Chilly of Uzerlam but where is everybody.

Leyton down at the pub says that it is all tied up with the Bermuda Triangle and the global conspiracy theories that he is keen on. Leyton believes that the Covid vaccination programme is actually a  covert move by the Chinese to make us buy more Chinese Takeaway food , thereby enriching the UK Chinese community allowing them to buy up property in London and move into the wealthy echelons of UK society. They will then join the Conservative party and influence policy in a pro Chinese direction. He also thinks that the return of Blankety Blank proves beyond doubt that Terry Wogan was an alien.

But never mind that.

What is going on ?

Yours hopefully,

J Bezos – Full name and address supplied.



Dear Mr Bezos,

Fuck Off you Twat !

Ps: Next time you deliver can you put it round the back by the bins, Ta.



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