Is it on ?
Is it off ?
These are the questions on everyone’s lips as the world sits pensively in the midst of a global pandemic.
Golf OK asks the experts.
First Up MK Seve CEO of SEVE Bet:
“It is always a pleasure to talk to the Golf OK readers, and I thank you for inviting me today. Firstly I would like to say we are all in this on together !
Solidarity with the people is our watch word here at SEVE Bet.
Some of the filthy left wing press have reported that I have moved into my exclusive mansion in the hills above Wellington in New Zealand.
This is down right false news, I am with the rest of you in Blighty sweating out this awful lock down.
It is true that I did suffer some minor sun burn but this was in no way because I spent too long on the beach here in New Zealand. I was, as I explained to the Hacks who plague my life, that I spent a little to long on the sunbed. An easy mistake to make especially when one has had too many beers at the big BBQ party the night before , if you get my drift !
I am constantly worried about the plight of the less fortunate amongst us and I have therefore shut down two of my
sweat shopsfactories in Guatemala allowing the workers to spend more time with their parentsfamilies. A humanitarian gesture I am sure you will agree and not , as the bloody tabloids would have it, “a fleet of foot move by MK Seve to save money during the Pandemic”. That is libel !!.
Anyway The Portugal Tour ? Now that I am
completely jabbed upwaiting my turn with everyone else for my inoculation I feel it is too soon to say. Personally I say “Keep all the options open”.
Hoppy Dearsley, Global Tour Executive spoke from his Leicestershire estate:
“No chance would be my first guess ! I have talked with our local agent and he tells me they are struggling down there but hey lets review at the end of February. “
(This interview actually went on for over 2 hours but cleverly we managed to edited it down , quite a lot.)
We caught up with Nigel Carby, World renown Life Style and Golfing Guru , somewhere between Cyprus and Newark :
“Fuck Off You Twat !”
Well known Tour player, pundit and local pond enthusiast Mick Rushall was cautious but enthusiastic:
“Look I don’t care if its in Portugal, Porto Rico or Poland I’m in. “
We managed to catch up with 2020 Asterisks Tour 3rd place man Tony Bryan whilst he was undertaking some naked decorating whilst locked down in one of his many Art Installations:
“Look Mate, I am a bit busy ! When I’ve finished this bit of brushwork I’ve got a bloody wedding to arrange, then I have to watch the rest of the friggin internet and then the dogs don’t walk themselves you know, so there’s a good fellow on your way.
And close the door on the way out its bloody freezin in here !”
Lord Chilly of Uzerlam was oiling his bat when we managed to pin him down:
“Look the series starts on Friday ! I am in strict training ! Up at 3 .00 am for breakfast. We take the field at 4.00 am so best to get the stomach well lined before play commences. A few schooners before lunch around 7.00 am and then into some serious play in the afternoon , mostly white wine with lunch but after tea we may start on the Burgundy before stumps. Hey this is serious stuff 4 tests 5 days each you can’t train enough for this sort of occasion.
Portugal ? Lets win the series first and then I will turn my intellect to your problems ! “
After much trying we managed to contact Sir Michael King who, as is well known, does not involve himself with technology of any kind, especially the stuff you have to plug in.
“Ah ! Portugal . I expect the trees have grown during this lockdown business, they usually do you know, but without the Golfers looking on they may well have gotten out of hand, so if we do get to The Algarve we will need to take the utmost care.
I expect to be there , I may go by motor bike to avoid the Covidiots on the aeroplanes. I haven’t worked out how to get my clubs on the bike as yet but I have a few cunning ideas.
Brexit may also pose a few issues but I am sure Johnny European can be out foxed without much difficulty. So overall I am very positive.
I may set off during February to ensure I am on the first tee in May.
Have you any idea how far it is ? You haven’t got a map on you , have you ?”
Monty Zooma was not difficult to find, as his 2.3 million U Tube followers know, he can always be found in his back garden honing his infamous chipping skills:
” Look I can’t talk for long, I caught the wife with a bit of a shank off the toe of my 9 iron this morning and I promised to get her to A&E later on, but it looks like she has passed out for now, so I just want to get the hang of the new wedge I found before it starts raining again.
Portugal ? Is it soon ? Yeh ! Count me in !”
Lastly we managed to secure a few moments with Big K Shorrocks , CEO of Shorrocks Industries, key Portugal Tour sponsor, via satellite phone as he toured Wuhan with the WHO party investigating the origins of Covid 19:
“Portugal ? Bit busy for that now. You have no idea how bad the food is down here you know ! Pangolin Burgers ! Bat Fritters ! Not a bloody Big Mac in sight ! But God bless the little sods down here they all look well on it and my goodness there are a lot of them, like lots and lots of them !. I should be back in Europe in the next few weeks so call me then and I will talk about Portugal. Give my best to Max . Bye.”
So having talked with the experts are we any the wiser ?
You judge !
Next week we will be talking with Roger Large as he reveals all about “What is really going on in the USA !” a daring insight into the mega rich of Florida and Crick.
Watch this space !