At a late night , behind closed doors, meeting last night, which, we are told continued until the beer ran out into the early hours, an agreement was reached over the 2020 Portugal Tour  situation.


Big “K” Shorrocks’ lawyers put forward their case that Kevin would  win the tournament if he scored just one point on any of the courses on the appointed days of play.


As no one else could play that would make him the overall champion for 2020.


This was agreed in principle by Hoppy Dearsley and his team of aficionados but at the last moment Lord Chilly of Uzerlam pointed out a small flaw in this plan:

“Who is going to mark your freekin card , matey boy !!”


Discussions then followed MK Seve’s legal team who argued their “Asterix” Plan whereby MK would retain the trophy on the basis that he had won it for the last 2 years and it was already at his house, in fact actually in his kitchen.


After much particularly nasty verbal abuse from almost all who were present this was thrown out on the well established internationally recognised legal principle:


“You must be fucking joking , you Nob !”



Other ideas were discussed including :

  • Best cumulative scores over the past 10 years

  • Most wins over the past 10 years

  • Anyone who had:

    • thrown up most

    • wet the bed more times

    • fallen in most hedges

    •  lost the most golf balls

    • and of course the favourite for a short while “Biggest Twat”


Eventually all of these ideas were abandoned and a sense of calm fell over the meeting.


It was then universally agreed that nobody really gave a toss that the 2020 Tournament would be played over 6 rounds of golf at a time and on courses to be establish as soon as the current crisis has passed and some normality has returned.


Hoppy Dearsley was given the task of arranging the 2020 Tournament at the earliest opportunity.


It was also agreed that:

  • Hoppy Dearsley would deal with refunds from Easy Jet but as there was a 12 month claim period so there was no need to do anything for a few months.


  • No monies would be paid for the Portugal Tee times but that we would pay Richard Ballantine his $5 per head booking fee because he was a very helpful chap and we want him around next year.


  • Hoppy Dearsley would refund money to those who had paid as soon as he had a reasonably big win on Bet Fred in the next week or so.


At this point having establish that there was definitely no alcohol available anywhere in the vicinity the video conference was ended and the delegates slumped back in their chairs or passed out on the floor.


MK Seve and Big K Shorrocks later released a joint statement setting out that as soon as they found someone who could remember what was agreed they would tell everyone else, honest.



More news as it happens !