Existentially it was a Golf Tournament ! But was it ??

This question is discussed in depth by Professor Roberto Dearslos (no relation ) HERE  .

Meanwhile they gathered in the hills of Winchester, 13 men against the elements ! It was cold, it was brutal !

Were they up to the challenge ?  Probably !

Bob Dearsley 2024 and 2025 VOMs Champion stood on the first Tee at Hockley Golf Club and addressed the Players:

“What are you lot looking at ?!”

and they were off !

 

The opening round was cold, breezy but no rain ! The Old Masters were all feeling confident as play commenced, particularly concerning the inaugural playing of The Jim Gale Trophy.

Ian Waterhouse , 2019 Champion spoke:

“Obviously I am quietly confident of my own form but between you and I just look at the state of the other Old Masters Players. well come on !

But don’t print that will you .”

4 hours later James Clough strode into the clubhouse clutching a 37 point card with the look of a Champion on his windswept face.

The Players were stunned! Only 6 other VOMs had reached the dizzy heights of 30 points !

There was fear in the air.

Guinness and Lager was administered and the contingent moved off to the , now famous, VOMs House in deepest Parkstone.

Saturday morning after a hearty breakfast Tom Waterhouse was declared Car Parking Champion of the day and the first tee at Meyrick Park brought the Players together for another 18 holes.

The wind moved into Gale mode and the first nearest the pin challenge of the day, at the 200 yd first was on. Jamie Dearsley went through the green , some 210 yards away , but the 12 others  floundered in trees and  bushes leaving the canny Clive Dearsley closest in 2 to take the prize.

As the day unfolded a mysterious bearded chap and an oriental lady appeared from the shadows and passed through the entire VOMs contingent and disappeared away towards the back 9, who were they ? why were they there ?  a full explanation will be published in The Time Travellers Weekly 12th May 1974 for those who are keen to find out.

Round 2 concluded and to the amazement of everyone including the man himself Tony Dearsley , yes it is He, banged in a magnificent 35 points , beating his previous personal best by over 2 miles, and taking the day comfortably:

”  I knew it was in there somewhere it was only a matter of time ! ” he assured the eager press.

After the second day the mighty Ian Waterhouse topped the Leader Board with 64 points and took the 2026 Tank Trophy on count back from Dougie Ogilvie. A fine victory for the 2019 VOMs Champion.

The Jim Gale Trophy at this point was  firmly in the hands of the Very Old Masters with a 17 point lead (well we think it was 17 points, the Twat who wrote the macros had no idea what the word Sort meant !!)

18 Holes to go and just 6 points between first and 6th place, James on 63 and Ollie Hitchin menacingly on 53 , Tony on 52 and Jack Dearsley somewhere off………looking for the beardy man and his Chinese girl friend, probably.

After a well deserved rest, breakfast called at Parkstone Golf Club.

The 13 were ready. The leading group on this final day did not include a single Young Master.

Surely the Jim Gale Trophy was in safe VOM hands ??

What happened next was unexpected, tragic and very difficult to describe.

After 9 holes in the hurricane force wind, experiencing the minky fast greens that shed golf balls like a duck shaking off water droplets, the leading group of 4 had a score 41 points !! Between them ………….!!!

Ollie and Allan, accompanied by his new stylist and life stye coach, were on 17 points. James 11, Pete 13 and Jack 14. Joe was pleased with 11 and Tom was exceptionally pleased with 13, best of the week and Jamie was somewhat unhappy with 10, although his mind was on the impromptu VOMs Chess Tournament which broke out the previous evening.

The average for this front 9 was “12” points.

Where was the beardy man and the eastern promise when you need them ?

The back 9 loomed into sight !  Ollie, Jack and James moved into top gear whilst the rest of the field moved into the field !

The back 9 at Parkstone was an enigma, wrapped in a mystery and covered in donkey do do’s. Ollie and James posted 20 points , Jack smashed in 19  and Clive and Ian managed 9 each including a birdie !!!

At the 18th green a small but enthusiastic crowd had gathered and they looked on in sympathy as the last 4 ball stumbled in.

Later at the VOMs house the presentation got underway.

Dougie had fought his way into 3rd place, Ollie, after a magnificent 37 points at Parkstone was in 2nd but the man in the frame following his opening round 37 pointer, a mediocre 28 points on day two and a very steady 31 points at Parkstone just had to be The Rookie our man James.

The crowd went wild and the Players congratulated him with only a hint of abuse and Bob Dearsley presented the magnificent VOMs 2026 Trophy.

Ian Waterhouse took the 2026 Tank Trophy and a very pleased Ollie Hitchin grabbed the much coveted Peter Crowhurst Celebration Trophy, on this the Trophy’s 10th year.

2026 is the inaugural year of the Jim Gale Trophy. This competition is a team battle between the Old Masters, wise and mature Players of many years experience and The Young Masters, or Nob Heds as they are lovingly known. The competition is over the 3 rounds taking the best 3 front and back nine scores from each team for each round.

After a mysterious malfunction with the scoring computer , which initially had declared the Old Masters victorious , corrections were made and ,much to the jubilation of the Young Masters and their proud Captain Joe Dearsley, they were declared the winners. The Trophy was held high in a wave of victorious celebration !

Peter Keeping , one of the original Old Masters , commented in a pithy manner:

” Bloody Nob Heds !”

“Honest” Doug Ogilvy , “Turf Accountant To The Gentry”, announced that the VOMs Book raised £120 for charity to much applause and following the distribution of the major cash prizes the Chairman and founder Bob Dearsley took to the podium:

“This has been a momentous occasion including suitably good weather, familiar but challenging Courses and a very variable quality of golf. The Old Masters were all there as ever and I am pleased to report an ever growing band of Young Masters who will certainly get the hang of the courses – if we can only get their handicaps right so they don’t win all the bloody prizes!
My personal congratulations to James for his superb victory in his rookie year and gentlemen let us raise a glass and remember Peter Crowhurst our inspiration for the Tour, Jim Gale for our new memorial Trophy and our late much lamented chum Tony Hitchen for setting such high standards for our post match drinking!

We remember and salute them all!!

and as you would expect the ensemble raised their glasses accordingly.

The Trophies were distributed and a bloody good time was had by all,

AND McIlroy won !!!  Again !!

VOMs 2027 April 9th – 12th 2027.  

Bring It On !