Dear Dr Biff,

I have recently come into a very large amount of money and feel decidedly uneasy about it. My friends don’t seem to want to talk to me, in fact, they all fucked off and left me here alone in a strange country. I have nothing to do but get pissed and spend dosh. Whoever said that money doesn’t buy happiness was a right knob!!

Anonymous from Portugal.


Dear Slop,

Firstly I would like to say how pleased I am to receive your letter, secondly I would like to say that I feel your pain and thirdly I would like to say “two large brandies please”.

Now to your problem. My predecessor Uncle Nigel would have said “Fuck Off You Twat!” and many would have thought how insensitive and rude he was:

But to be honest in your case having consulted with my learned colleagues at the College of Very Clever Doctors we collectively agree that in this case our advice is

“Fuck Off You Twat!”

Now get on with it.

Yours faithfully,

Dr Biff(a)



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